Archives for February 2017

Why I Became A Divorce Consultant

This is the most personal blog I have written but I thought it would be helpful to share my story…

The question I get asked most often is “why did you decide to stop working as a solicitor?” The main reason involves the lady sitting next to me in the photo opposite – my lovely mum.

The photo was taken in August 2016 at a celebratory lunch marking the 6 year anniversary of my divorce consultancy business.

It felt very apt to share this celebration with the person who provided me with the inspiration for my business which I feel so passionate about.

I was a family law solicitor when my parents got divorced

My parents got divorced when I was in my late twenties. At the time I was practising as a family law solicitor. I had always prided myself on being understanding and empathetic towards my clients. However, it wasn’t until my own parents got divorced that I started to fully appreciate what an individual going through divorce really faces.

Being a solicitor wasn’t enough

As a family law solicitor my role had been to provide legal advice and representation to my clients. Solicitors who choose to specialise in family law, tend to have caring personalities and a desire to help people. However, I recognised that as a solicitor, I was limited as to the level of overall assistance I could provide my clients when they were going through such a challenging time in their lives.

What help my mum needed

Seeing my mum struggle with the end of her marriage and her divorce experience was distressing as both a daughter and family law solicitor. I knew what she was facing with the legal process and the natural first step was for me to find an experienced solicitor to represent her which I did.

However, there was a great deal of additional help that she required before, during and beyond the legal process that would not have been naturally provided by the solicitor. There was so much more help that she needed and deserved to ensure her divorce experience was as manageable as possible and to put her in the best place to feel able to move on past the divorce.

The difficult issues that come up

People going through divorce face a complex range of issues. The significant ones (but this is by no means an exhaustive list) being:

emotional challenges – processing the end of their marriage and life as they know it
practical considerations – what physical changes will there be in their life – e.g. moving home
financial factors to work through – possible changes to their lifestyle, budgeting
children matters – changes to living arrangements and parenting plans

Where was the help?

It became evident to me, during my parents’ divorce, that there were no or little resources and/or professionals readily available who specialised in providing help in all these important areas. (Please note – this was 16yrs ago and I appreciate there is now much more help out there).

Whilst it was pretty straightforward for me to find my mum a family law solicitor, how could I ensure she received help with all the other equally important issues she faced? The easy answer was to provide this assistance myself. So that’s what I did!

It had its challenges of course; I was her daughter for one. My parents had been married for nearly 35 years and I only knew life with Mum and Dad being together. Like most people (despite the work I did), my initial thoughts were that this was the sort of thing that happened to other families…

What help I provided

My focus was on helping my lovely mum. She had always been there for me growing up and it was now my turn to look after her whilst she navigated through this challenging time in her life. Mum was very appreciative of my help and told me what a positive difference it has made to have that additional support and guidance over and above the legal representation from the solicitor:

“Rhiannon was a huge help in getting me through a difficult time. I very much appreciated the sympathetic manner coupled with a real understanding of the practicalities involved. As a result, I was in a far better position to understand and assimilate advice from my solicitor.” – Mum

Some of the additional help I was able to provide included:

Helping her find a family law specialist solicitor
Assisting with the preparation of her Financial Statement and collecting of financial documents
Providing a sounding board for decision making regarding her financial settlement to help her make informed decisions
Talking through the letters of advice from her solicitor to help her gather her thoughts and communicate clear instructions to her solicitor
Practical help to put in place the terms of the financial order – viewing new properties etc.
Post-divorce support to help Mum make plans to move forward with her life
finding her a chartered financial planner to help with money management and budgeting
And of course as a daughter – providing her with love and support and checking in on her regularly to see how she was and if she needed anything

New beginnings

Mum: I’m incredibly proud of how much my mum has accomplished in the last 16yrs ago and how she has been able to move forward with her life after such a difficult time. She is financially self-sufficient, has a lovely new home, has built up a great network of friends (she already had great friends and a supportive family before the divorce, who had also been a huge help).

Me: It became clear to me the value this type of additional support could provide for other people going through divorce and separation. I began to create my business plans for what became my divorce consultancy service. I decided I wanted to provide more than support during the legal process and so trained as a personal development coach (this provides me with essential additional skills to help support people on a personal level). I now use both my legal experience and coaching skills to provide support and guidance to people at all the different stages of divorce and separation.

Moving forward

Over the last 9yrs, I have greatly developed the services I now provide to my clients to address all the different issues that may arise during their divorce journeys. I intend to continue to work on finding new ways in which I can help make a positive difference to someone’s divorce journey and recovery.

Could I help you or someone you know?

Divorce and separation is a difficult time in anyone’s life(and that of their families). It can be difficult to know who to turn to for help. The solicitor is there to provide legal advice and representation but there will be many other aspects to your experience for which you may need help and support. The Benefits of Divorce Coaching can help you before, during and after your divorce journey. You may find it helpful to read what clients have said about working with me. Perhaps you could relate to some of these frequently heard statements?

If you have found the tips in this blog useful then you’ll find lots more in my eBooks, which you can purchase and download today.

If you’d like to work with me 1:1, for help preparing for your divorce/or support during the divorce process, please get in touch to find out how I can help.

Why I became a divorce consultant.

The Divorce Danger Zone

By Rhiannon Ford

**What is the danger zone during a divorce?**

This is when you are feeling emotionally(and perhaps financially) spent with the legal proceedings, but are still stuck in the negotiations for a financial settlement.

You have had enough and want all of the legal proceedings to be over.

You desperately want to be the other side of this difficult time in your life.

**How will you know if you are in the danger zone?**

Are you feeling under pressure to agree to a financial settlement that you don’t properly understand or isn’t really what you want?

Are you feeling the pressure from your ex and family/friends to get things finalised?

Are you feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place, worrying that if you keep pushing for a better financial deal, it will take more time, money and stress and your relationship with your ex will be even worse?

Are you thinking that you just want all this over with so you’d be happy to agree to anything?

What to do if you find yourself there…

Wait. Take stock. Get some perspective. This is your one and only chance to negotiate the best financial settlement you can get. Take the time to get it right NOW. It is an important investment in your financial post-divorce future.

You need to feel comfortable with your financial settlement, not just now, but in 6months and 6yrs time and beyond. Take time to get it right now.

Here are my top tips for dealing with the danger zone:

Recognise you are in it, and take a step back. Take stock.
Talk to your divorce coach about your concerns and use them as a sounding board for you to process your thoughts. They can also help you gather together a list of questions for your solicitor/mediator.
Obtain good legal advice from your solicitor about your options for the financial settlement and allow them the opportunity to answer any questions or concerns you have about the negotiations etc.
Be clear about what you are trying to achieve by way of a financial settlement-e.g. to stay on the family home, to receive sufficient spousal maintenance etc.
Try to take the emotion out of your negotiations. Be business-like about it. Make sure you are making decisions with your head not your heart. Your heart will heal (I promise) but this is your one chance to get this financial settlement right.
It is more important to take the proper time needed to reach the correct financial settlement now, than rush things through and end up with huge regret things later.

If you have found the tips in this blog useful then you’ll find lots more in my eBooks, which you can purchase and download today.

If you’d like to work with me 1:1, for help preparing for your divorce/or support during or after the divorce process, please get in touch to find out how I can help.

Why I became a divorce consultant.

How To Tell Your Spouse You Want A Divorce

By Rhiannon Ford

There is no magic formula to this. My tips are based on how best to avoid unnecessary hurt and upset with this very difficult conversation. You may have decided you want a divorce, but hopefully you still care about your spouse enough to be considerate about their feelings.

Approaching things in a respectful and constructive manner will also help minimise the stress and costs involved in formalising your separation.

Here are my top tips for how best to approach this challenging conversation:

You are likely to be in a different place emotionally to your spouse

The first thing to remember is that you have made a decision which directly affects your spouse (and children). Chances are you have given things a great deal of thought before coming to this very difficult decision. As the decision-maker, you will probably have already started to move on emotionally from the marriage, having given thought to how your life could be beyond the separation. This is not the case for your spouse. Be mindful of this, when you tell them the marriage is over. They are playing “catch up”, with decisions made about their life.

Plan carefully what you want to say to your spouse

Planning carefully what you are going to say, will help you to feel calmer and clearer about the conversation. Write down the important points you want to make and if need be have the notes with you when you have the conversation. Avoid blurting out information in anger (when your spouse says something you don’t like) or when you will feel rushed. Be clear and calm. This will help you to make sure you say what you want to say and helps keep the conversation as calm as possible. It also gives your spouse the opportunity to understand fully what you are saying, making it easier for them to process the information.

Decide when and where to tell your spouse

This will be a very difficult conversation for both of you. Just because you are the decision-maker, it is likely you are still struggling with the decision and are very upset about the breakdown of the marriage. Arrange to have the conversation at a time and place where you will both feel as comfortable as possible. Choose somewhere quiet and where you won’t be interrupted. Make sure the children cannot overhear. Avoid arranging to have the conversation when either/both of you are likely to be tired or distracted.

Show consideration to your spouse’s feelings

Keep calm when you speak to your spouse. You know what you are going to say, but your spouse doesn’t. It is likely to come as a shock and they could be very upset. Allow them to be upset. Give them time and space to process the information. You have given them information that they will not want to hear and it will be difficult for them to accept. They will need time to process the information. Give yourself and your spouse some time and space after the initial conversation.

Answer their questions honestly

The truth always comes out in the end. Be respectful of your spouse, and be honest with them. It may upset them, but it is better for them to know the truth. That is not to say you need to tell them every tiny detail at this point, if it is not appropriate. Don’t overload them with too much information straight away. Allow them to ask questions. They can guide you as to what information they feel is important for them to know at this point.

You don’t need to have all the answers

Chances are that you have not been through a divorce/separation before and are unlikely to know exactly what happens next. This is fine. You do not have to have all the answers to your spouse’s questions about the next steps. If you don’t know, be honest about it. You will both need to think things through and have further discussions about what happens next. You don’t have to cover everything at once. Avoid putting either of you under pressure to feel rushed to take any action.

How a divorce coach can help…

This blog contains general advice for how best to approach this type of conversation. However, it is also very important to take account of the individual personalities and circumstances involved, in deciding how best to deal with this. How you approach this discussion, could have a big impact on what type of divorce follows. If you want an amicable divorce, then the starting point is to tread carefully in breaking the news to your spouse(by following the tips above). Working with a divorce coach in advance can also really help.

I am working with an increasing number of clients who are the person who has made the decision to divorce. They have come to me to get guidance on how best to approach things, as they wish to protect their spouse and children’s feelings and work towards achieving an amicable separation. I work with them using lots of different tools and strategies to minimise the stress involved for the whole family, at such a challenging time in their lives.

If you have found the tips in this blog useful then you’ll find lots more in my eBooks, which you can purchase and download today.

If you’d like to work with me 1:1, for help preparing for your divorce/or support during the divorce process, please get in touch to find out how I can help.

Why I became a divorce consultant.

How To Approach Valentine’s Day When You’re Single or Going Through Divorce

By Rhiannon Ford

I’ve never been the greatest fan of Valentine’s Day. It’s a strange concept to choose just one day to celebrate your love for your partner. It’s as if making a fuss of them on 14^th February makes up for not showing your love on the other 364 days of the year. I have even heard some even say that it’s a good opportunity to bank some brownie points in your relationship, so it lets them off the hook for a while afterwards.

I’m sure I’m not wrong in thinking that a great many couples are also not fans of Valentine’s Day. They can feel the pressure of getting the right card (funny versus slushy love stuff); writing a brilliant message inside; over-prized flowers and chocolates; difficulties booking a restaurant for the romantic meal; getting a babysitter; and generally feeling the pressure to celebrate when they’re shattered, its (often) mid-week and they want an early night because the kids have given them a cracking head-ache and had them up at 4am when little Tommy woke them to announce his teddy had fallen off the bed.

But for those who find themselves single on 14^th February, (whether they were a fan of Valentine’s Day whilst a couple or not), it is a stark reminder that they don’t have a partner to celebrate with. It can be very uncomfortable to be reminded that you are not in a relationship. The TV is littered with lovey-dovey Moonpig card adverts, M&S food ads for romantic meals for two and restaurants advertise weeks in advance for special Valentine’s Day menus. It can seem like everywhere a single person looks, they are reminded of the image of happy couples and people in love.

This topic of conversation often comes up with my divorce clients, so I’ve pulled together my tips for approaching this Valentine’s Day if you find yourself without a partner on 14^th February:

Ignore it

Let’s face it, it’s no big deal. It’s just another day of the week. Life goes on as normal and it’ll be a new day tomorrow. It’s basically just an excuse for retail and restaurant establishments to take advantage of the opportunity to inflate their prices. You’re lucky you don’t have to be involved in that nonsense this year.

Show yourself love

You don’t need to rely on a partner to feel loved. Show yourself some love. You could choose to buy yourself flowers/chocolates; a special gift; treat yourself to a massage, or even a relaxing bubble bath with your favourite book. Choose to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Make it your own

Perhaps you could put your own twist on the day and send a card or gift to a friend or relative to show them you love them. Or you could arrange to do something fun with other single friends who might be at a loose end on the day as well.

Remember the positives

If you buy yourself a gift, you know you’ll be guaranteed to like it.You can take advantage of the bargains available on 15^th February when the florists didn’t sell all their Valentine’s Day flowers. Remember that being alone is better than being in an unhappy relationship.

Whatever you decide to do on 14^th February, I hope you have a happy day.

If you have found the tips in this blog useful then you’ll find lots more in my eBooks, which you can purchase and download today.

If you’d like to work with me 1:1, for help preparing for your divorce/or support during or after the divorce process, please get in touch to find out how I can help.

Why I became a divorce consultant.