There are many challenges for an adult child of divorce, and I am talking from personal experience.
I was 27 years old when my parents got divorced, and working as a divorce solicitor. I had been aware for some time that there were serious problems in my parents’ marriage. But when they finally told me that they were getting divorced, it was still hard.
I knew it was the right thing, but it was still a huge adjustment for me. My family dynamic had been the same for the whole 27 years of my life, they had been a united force.
There were both advantages and challenges with the fact that I was working as a divorce solicitor at the time. On the one hand, I could easily help my mother (who needed the most support) to find a good solicitor.
But the huge challenge was that I was seeing first-hand the personal impact divorce has on couples AND their families. My mother was broken. Her world had been turned upside down, and she was vulnerable. As her daughter, that was horrible to experience.
Many people presume that it is more difficult for young children when their parents get divorced. But there are challenges whatever age you are. I was very lucky I did not have to navigate between two homes as part of a parenting plan. But in both my personal and professional experience, it can still be very painful and complicated for older children and adults when their parents divorce.
Younger Children
Younger children can be sheltered from the emotional upset of their parent’s separation and as much as possible protected from the ‘fall-out’. They can also be very resilient. If the situation is dealt with in the correct way, younger children are often able to adapt well to changes in their lives. If their parents divorced when they were very young, as young adults, they may not have much memory of how life was when their parents were still together.
Adult Children
Adult children will have experienced their family dynamic the same way for a long time and have always seen their parents as a united force. Divorce changes this.
When the parents are struggling to cope emotionally with the breakdown of the marriage, they often lean on their adult children to support them. But even though their child is an adult, they should not become involved in the disputes between their own parents. I advise my clients not to use their children as an emotional crutch. It is not necessary to give them a blow-by-blow account of how the marriage came to an end and/or a detailed analysis of how difficult their other parent is being during the divorce process.
How parents decide to behave during their divorce could have a significant impact on how their children may view their own relationships and marriage. As a parent, it is a good idea to think about how your children may describe your divorce to someone if they were asked about it. Would you feel comfortable with the way they describe how you behaved towards them and your ex?
I also urge my clients to avoid telling the children (however old they are) that they had been unhappy for a long time but had stayed in the marriage “for the sake of you children”. This can place a huge responsibility and feelings of guilt on your child. You made your own decision, and your children should not be made to feel responsible for their parents being miserable.
It is not easy being an adult child of divorce. To read my advice on how to navigate this, click here:
Advice for adult children of divorcing parents.
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For more advice on children and divorce, click here: Children.
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